


Last/First Christmas

by slinden



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Roommates/Housemates, Christmas, Gift Fic, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:29:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28327575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/slinden/pseuds/slinden
Summary: Ben Solo hates Christmas. His roommate, Poe, wants to know why.A gift fic for idrilhadhafang.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 5
Kudos: 10





	Last/First Christmas

**Author's Note:**

  * For [idrilhadhafang](https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/gifts).



> Merry Christmas! This is a DarkPilot gift fic for idrilhadhafang. I hope you like it! Sorry it was so late (and that it gets soooo cheesy at the end haha).

“So, we’re not doing Christmas again?”

Ben looked up from his laptop and glared at his roommate. “Can you not sound so disappointed when you already know my answer?”

Poe rolled his eyes and waved his hand before leaning against the counter of their apartment. Ben had spent the afternoon since getting back from campus cleaning up the kitchen before sitting down to work. Poe had been at the library but was most likely hanging out there to avoid him. Winter break had started and Ben had been prepared for the usual conversation when exams mercifully ended. His course work was done. He knew he had done well. Now, he could be focused on other things.

Poe understood the situation and shouldn’t be so damned annoying about it.

Christmas reminded him of his family. Christmas reminded him of how he hadn’t seen them since high school when he could finally be free from them. His childhood friend _should_ know better. Their first year as roommates seemed like an eternity ago by that point, but everything worked _except_ when it came to the dawn of the holidays in November, intensifying as December wore on. Poe probably wouldn’t be in grad school if Ben didn’t keep dragging him along with him. Now, after living together for almost six years, Poe should know that Ben didn’t give a shit about going home or having any sort of Christmas in their apartment. The last time that he spotted wrapping paper in their home, he had tossed it off the balcony. Poe didn’t say anything. He did mope for a few days before going back to their hometown to ignore him and celebrate the dumb holiday.

Ben didn’t tell him how empty the apartment had felt that week. He also didn’t tell him how happy he had been when he came back on New Year’s Eve.

Everything that made him feel more than neutral was bad. It had to be because even the good memories made him feel awful.

“Yeah, well, it’s always worth a try. I just think that it would be nice not to be miserable for the last Christmas we have together.” Poe finally shrugged and turned to open the cupboard. “Hey, did you eat my pop tarts?”

“You ate your pop tarts. I don’t touch them.” Ben looked down at his laptop, trying to focus again on his thesis.

He quickly fell quiet and Poe rummaged around for a few more minutes before sighing and leaving the kitchen for his room.

Finally, Ben could have the living room to himself to glower at his work.

Next semester, he’d have to submit it.

Next semester, he’d finally be able to get on with real life in one way or another.

It was only when the bedroom door shut that Ben realized what Poe had just said.

He'd just messed up somehow. 

And he needed to fix it.

-=-

Shutting his door, Poe silently screamed to himself. He pulled at his hair and grit his teeth in frustration.

Why could he only come up with pop tarts as something to complain about? Why couldn’t he have kept pressing Ben about Christmas? Instead, he just settled on looking anywhere but at him.

Him. Him. All of him.

So, okay. They didn’t have to do Christmas, but they could at least do _something._

When they were kids, back when they were growing up in the same neighbourhood, Ben loved Christmas. Unlike him, Poe still loved it and hated having to hide it from the angry brown eyes that were always working in the other room. Why couldn’t Ben just suck it up and talk to his family? What was the deal with that?

It went deeper than family things. Still, in his head, Poe couldn't decide what would be the best way to understand Ben and his family and the mess of dark and angry thoughts that made up Ben Solo on his bad days. He'd known Ben and his family all of his life and had always taken Ben's side, even when it meant pushing people away who he cared about. He understood Ben's need to get away from them. Yet, the level of hurt had never really hit home. And any time that he tried to ask, Ben would shut him down. His friend didn’t even bother to change the subject; he’d just leave for his bedroom, slam the door, and ignore him for a week.

Sitting on his bed, he rubbed his eyes. He could just go home to dad. He could leave Ben alone in their apartment. But that felt wrong. It always felt wrong.

This year pressed on his heart the hardest.

Because this would be their last “we’re not having Christmas just shut up about it Poe” Christmas.

Poe was finished his course work. His thesis was ready to go. He was only delaying the final submission, taking another semester, just to be around Ben for another term. Yeah, sure, the student loans were going to suck. But he would never get this time back again.

Thinking about the days that they were comfortable together, the days that cemented how close their friendship was, brought warmth and then an instant rush of fear. Ben was going to be buried in books and work over the course of the next semester. Those relaxing days of playing video games or watching movies or just sitting on the couch together talking would be sucked away. Ben's terrible mood about Christmas would touch everything that would happen in the last months that they'd live together.

It was stupid to have lived with him in the first place.

But he couldn’t stay away.

He’d been in love with him since they were both fourteen, wandering through the woods and making up new nicknames for the boys at school who bullied them. Ben, his face growing angry, started climbing a tree. For the life of him, Poe couldn’t remember what he said, but it made Ben pause, look down and glare at him. Poe thought he was about to be tackled and cringed.

But Ben didn’t do that. He just smiled brightly, the anger melting away as he tilted his head. The thing that brought such sweetness to the memory was Ben saying how happy he was that they were friends.

That night, after dinner, Poe felt the rush of that smile when he was alone with his thoughts. In his bed, he knew he was getting hard thinking about his friend. Seeing him the next day at school brought a rush of embarrassment over how he'd jerked off thinking about his friend.

It was all downhill from there.

Poe easily got over how mortifying the feelings should be. Because, fuck, it felt _good_ to imagine being with Ben in a different way. As long as he kept it in his head, he wasn't hurting anyone. Right?

To make up for all of those rushing, warm thoughts, he'd work harder in other ways. He might never get a real chance to be with him, but he could be close to him and be his friend. He’d stick up for Ben when he got into fights. But Ben would do the same for him. They’d study together. They talked about everything. Back then, Christmases were together.

Then, something happened one Christmas when Poe was visiting his dad’s parents for the winter break. The _one_ time he wasn’t there, something happened. Maybe this was somehow his fault? 

Ben didn’t want to talk about it. He put his head down and angrily finished high school. He made Poe skip graduation, again wandering through the woods. That was the first time Poe missed a chance to tell him that he loved him. Like an idiot, he let it slip by him. 

Since mom died when he was a kid, Ben was all that he had. Dad was still mad and distant. He was also angry when Poe blew off every other Christmas to hang out in an undecorated apartment with someone brooding over some big hurt in the past.

Now, with undergrad under his belt and almost having his Masters, Poe didn’t have enough fingers and toes to count the rest of the times that he'd missed saying what Ben meant to him. Even with all of the anger, all of the coldness to his family, there was a true and beautiful person there. It didn’t matter that he was the only one who saw it. One person could mean everything.

But, apparently, Poe didn’t mean more than a useful friend and roommate to Ben. And, like his family, Ben was just going to cut him loose when the real world was within reach.

Running his hands through his hair, Poe finally gave up and started changing for bed.

Maybe he was just thinking about all of this because it was stupid Christmas and everything hurt more around that time of year.

And Ben didn't see it.

-=-

Ben had stared at Poe’s closed bedroom door for far longer than he should have.

_Last Christmas together._

He repeated the words to himself. Again. For the fifth time.

So Poe did want to get rid of him.

Most of their friendship had been Poe helping him through so many dark times, so many problems. Even when Poe had other friends and was popular, cool, and _handsome_ in high school, he still hung out with him.

Ben’s mother always liked him more too.

Blinking to himself, Ben saved his work and shut his laptop.

If Poe wanted Christmas, then he could have what Christmas _really_ meant. It meant being told all of the shitty things wrong with _you._ It meant being told that what you want isn’t good enough. It meant being called out by the people who are supposed to love you the most at the most _beautiful fucking_ time of the year. The words from that last Christmas at his parents’ rolled through his head. Luke had the worst insults. He could never make him happy. He couldn’t make anyone happy. He got apologies the morning after, sure, but it soured everything.

He only made it through the rest of high school because of Poe.

And now, it seemed like Poe was finally done with him.

All because of _fucking_ Christmas.

Forcing himself to his feet, he stomped over to Poe’s door and opened it.

Poe was in the middle of pulling on his pyjama top, an old faded t-shirt that Ben had bought him when they were twenty and on a road trip in the middle of nowhere. Ben clenched his hand on the doorknob.

Poe’s head snapped up, annoyed. “I’d complain about you not knocking, but you never knock, so come on in.”

“What did you mean…” Ben started before licking his lips. Poe had stilled, the t-shirt still in his hands. Seeing his toned chest briefly knocked the harsh words from Ben’s mouth. He shook his head and narrowed his eyes, forcing himself to meet Poe’s gaze instead. “What did you mean _last_ Christmas together?”

Poe folded his arms, the t-shirt hanging on his elbow. The black sweat pants that he usually slept in hung low on his hips. Ben had to get ahold of himself. This was an argument that they both wanted. “Well, I don’t know Ben. Maybe it’s how you’re all geared up to move again the second we are done here. I feel like I’m already going to be ditched like you ditched your family. It would have just been nice to not…” Poe started to say something then shut his eyes. “You know what? I’m tired. You’re tired. Can you just save whatever you want to yell at me for tomorrow?”

Confused, Ben stepped into the room. “You’re not leaving? You’re not going to Christmas with your dad?”

Poe sat down on his unmade bed. “Every time I’ve done that, I’ve been miserable. All I can think about is how you’re alone here, thinking about whatever shitty thing that happened that you _still_ won’t tell me about. We’ve been friends forever and you could just tell me, Ben. Why the fuck do you hate Christmas?”

Ben shifted his weight. “Can you answer my question first? What do you mean? I’m not going to ditch you.”

Poe leaned against his elbows, eying him. “Ben, I’ve seen you applying to PhD programmes. This is it for me. I’m not interested in more school. I can’t keep being your roommate for the rest of your life. So, since you haven’t talked about that _either,_ it means you’ll move to the west coast and I’ll be here, doing my internship. Nobody takes someone that they’re just _friends_ with across the country.”

“I thought…” He felt his face flush. “I thought you’d want to get rid of me. I make life miserable for you. You can’t…you can’t even have Christmas as long as I’m around.”

Raising a dark eyebrow, Poe studied him before tapping the bed lightly. “Okay, we’re going to have to do a recap here. Why are we mad at each other? Who goes first?”

Ben was worried about sitting down on the bed. He was worried about being close to him. But he moved anyway, heavily sitting down. “I didn’t tell you about applying to those programmes because I don’t think I’ll get in. I don’t want to disappoint you. Like I disappoint everyone.”

“Ben, buddy,” Poe said before sighing. “You don’t disappoint anyone. You just don’t tell them things, so they don’t know they can celebrate what you’ve done. Hell, I have to keep telling your mom about your grades because you never answer her when she calls.”

“She still calls you?”

Poe snorted. “Yeah. And it’s mostly to talk about you.”

“Oh.”

“Look, I love Christmas,” Poe finally spoke again, killing the silence. He’d dropped his eyes, staring at his knees. Ben could only study the steady sorrow that crept onto his friend’s face. “The last good times I had with my mom were at Christmas before she died. You know that. You know that when I lost her, we were just kids but we became better friends. You helped me so much and I liked having Christmas with your family. Your mom, hey she’s your mom, but I could have a few good hugs. I don’t _know_ what happened that Christmas I wasn’t there. But it’s been so shitty to not have more…space with you. I want to help you all of the time but I need a little…room to breathe. And when I’m breathing at Christmas, it smells like peppermint and pine. And my mom.”

“I…” Ben’s throat felt tight. “I thought…maybe it hurt you too to think about her. And that’s why you stayed here with me.”

Poe’s brown eyes flicked to his. “What happened at Christmas, Ben? We can talk about me later.”

Ben shut his eyes and dropped back onto the bed. “Everyone was there. Mom, dad, Uncle Luke, mom’s parents…and I wanted to talk about my early acceptance letters. I wanted to talk about my college fund. And everyone just turned against me. I was studying the _wrong_ thing. I wasn’t focused on what they wanted me to do. I wasn’t going to be good enough at all of the things that they wanted me to do. I just snapped and screamed at them. I ripped down the Christmas tree and stormed out. I couldn’t go to you so I felt…I felt so alone. Dad came and got me and when he brought me home, everything was cleaned up. They took down all of the decorations. They act so perfect around other people but around me? It felt like I was a fuck-up for _ruining_ Christmas when really, they’re the ones who didn’t understand. I want to make my own path. And I did. I don’t need them.”

Saying it all out loud made the entire thing seem so _stupid_. Had it really been that bad? Had he actually broken all of those decorations because Uncle Luke thought he should study medicine instead?

Poe had lost his mom. He loved her and lost her.

Ben just hated how he wasn't good enough.

He should have thought more about his friend, someone who'd never left his side after all of these years.

He covered his face with his hands. On top of all of that guilt, now he had to deal with how he’d kept his best friend from remembering times of warmth and togetherness because of his selfish actions.

“Hey, Ben?” He heard Poe shift up the bed to lie beside him. A soft hand landed on his elbow. “I remember you were pissed off about something. I remember how we only hung out at my house after that. But you’ve done what you wanted to do. And if you, you know, told them how good you are at it, they’d understand. It’s not cool to feel ganged up on. It’s beyond shitty to feel like your family is against you. I’m not saying that you _have_ to forgive them but can you, kind of, maybe, sort of, not blame Christmas? For me?”

Ben shifted his hands, looking at Poe again. He was so close. His room was a mess of books and clothes but it held his distinct style and scent. Most of the time they’d hang out in the living room or the kitchen. The few times they spent evenings watching movies, sometimes he’d drag Poe into his room to finish watching something. It was better to fall asleep on a bed than on their couch.

The sweet warmth of Poe’s head dropping onto his shoulder when he passed out was also worth it.

Another wave of guilt hit him. “I could have just said something before. I’ve made you…This is all my fault.”

Poe shook his head, shifting closer. “Look, Ben. You keep a lot of things inside. I only know them because we’re always around one another. I know your moods. You say a hell of a lot more in silences than in words. And it scares the shit out of me to think about you not…not being in the next room next year.”

“You don’t want me to leave?”

His friend tilted his head. “I want you to…I want you to talk about what you’re thinking. You want to do a PhD? Yeah, cool, fine. It just feels shitty that you want to leave me behind to do it. It’s like I’m the last piece of your past that you’re tired of dealing with.”

“Why…” Ben started before slowly nodding. Poe had dropped his chin, the usual spark of life that was him retreating into sadness.

The days were only bright because of him. He only had happy memories of his childhood because of Poe. He wasn't going to leave him behind.

He had to do something to sort out both of their feelings.

Because the second Poe had come closer to him, Ben was realizing that this all went deeper than just the darkest days of December.

Reaching out, Ben lightly brushed Poe’s face. “I’m not tired of you. I’ve just had this…weight on me all of these years. And it feels so fucking stupid right now.”

To his surprise, but also sharp joy, Poe leaned into the touch. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way. But I know, I mean, I get it. Like with my mom. If I don’t talk about her, if I don’t remember her, the hurt just gets bigger. I shouldn’t have just joked it away before when I got home. Christmas is a big deal for me, but I knew it made you mad so I…I didn’t bring it up either. I don’t want this to fuck up the rest of the time we live together.”

Exhaling, Ben took his chance to touch Poe again. He smoothed down one of his eyebrows, thinking about how perfect they were for the thousandth time. Compared to his awkward and almost permanently angry eyebrows, Poe’s were works of art. “I shouldn’t have been so quiet. I’m sorry. You make me…you make me happy. I want the future but it scares me at the same time. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Poe sucked in a breath, staring at him. “You’d have an easier time with laundry.”

“Don’t joke.”

Poe finally smirked, making Ben smile in return.

And then Ben caught the look in his eyes when the soft look cracked his face.

“Poe?”

“Yeah?”

Before he could think, before he could overthink and ruin something again, he leaned forward and kissed him.

Poe froze when their lips brushed before softly returning the kiss. Ben reached up, unable to stop himself from touching him more. Those light caresses from before reminded him of what he was about to lose because he couldn’t let go of some hurt from the past.

Poe’s lips were soft and, like his eyebrows, perfect.

Ben hadn’t deserved his kindness over the years.

The thought made him break the kiss, his mind starting to race again. “Poe, I…”

“Shut up, Ben. I know I talk a lot, but let me talk now.” One of Poe’s hands fell to Ben’s chest, moving up and down his sweater. “I do all of this because I love you. Not like…no, I mean, I love you. And even if this fucks things up, you already hate Christmas so it’s not like I’m making things _worse_.”

Ben’s brain had a hard time with the word love. The people who claimed to love him never seemed to understand him. But Poe did—but only when he let him in.

“You’re very attractive.” That’s the best thing that Ben could force out of his stunned mouth.

A brilliant grin spread across Poe’s face. “Yeah, I know that. And so are you. And I really liked how you just kissed me. So, can we…can you stay here with me tonight? And tomorrow, we can…start unpacking a lot of this? Because this is breaking my brain right now.”

Ben leaned forward and kissed him again. The hand on his chest reached up to grip his face. When he deepened the kiss, feeling Poe’s tongue swirl into his mouth, he also felt like his mind couldn’t comprehend what was happening. His friend, his best friend, loved him. His friend wanted him to spend the night with him and not just to watch a movie. His friend had also, typically, pushed aside what was important to him in favour of Ben’s stubborn ideas.

He gently broke the kiss, dropping his forehead to rest against Poe’s. “You need to feel important. I want…I don’t want this to be our last Christmas together.”

He could almost hear Poe’s eyelashes swishing, they were so close. “Let’s…let’s figure it out tomorrow. Okay? Christmas is in a few days. We’ve got…we’ve got time. Okay?”

Now that he had him, Ben didn’t want to let him go.

Reaching down, he traced his hands down Poe’s chest.

Another dumb fact dropped in Ben’s head. Poe never dated. Poe never talked about anyone who he wanted to date. He didn’t mention any crushes, or what he was looking for in a partner. If he had, Ben realized that he would have been insanely jealous. What Poe did do was softly ask if Ben had anyone that he didn’t know about. As his hands were tracing a small circle on Poe’s smooth chest, Ben felt another thought dawn. Whenever he answered those questions, Ben had always said he’d rather spend time with him than date anyone.

“Okay,” Ben whispered, meeting Poe’s eyes again. “If…what if we just have Christmas here? It can be just us and you can…I want to hear about your mom. I don’t want this to only be about me.”

With his eyes shining, Poe kissed him again. It was a deep and pure kiss, touching every inch of his soul. The shivers rocked through him and Ben didn’t want it to stop. “Yeah, yeah, Ben. I’d…that would be greatness.”

Ben wasn’t about to let him get away and kissed him again, slowly shifting on top of him. “Can I really stay here with you tonight?”

Poe grinned again. “The more you keep kissing me, the more I want you to.”

Ben didn’t know what to feel anymore. His body felt heavy and slow on top of Poe’s slight form. But the man beneath him wasn’t exactly complaining. Instead, he was running his hands up his sides, settling them on his back.

Ben wasn’t exactly sure if they’d really started or ended anything that night, but he might be able to tolerate wrapping paper in the house again.

It wasn’t like Poe needed to buy him a present.

Leaning down, Ben kissed him again.

He’d already been given the best gift of all.


End file.
